Ophelia’s Post-Modern, Drowning Salad Graced with Wild Strawberries (weekend food fun)

 

“Wee may picke a thousand sallets ere wee light on such another…” All’s Well That Ends Well, 4.

Since the first plating of Ophelia’s ‘Drowning Salad’, the recipe has been noted for its youthful originality and harmonious flavor. Despite her young age – she uses words like “weirded”, “freaked” and “Mr. Weasel” – Polonius’ daughter displays a remarkable sensibility and feminine restraint with regard to flavor. “Keep their (the wild strawberries) flavor pure,” she says, use only “a drop” of Balsamic vinegar and “a dash” of seasoning. Though it’s clear she and Hamlet are in some sort of intimate relationship – “he’s got the hottest bod,” she notes – it’s unclear if some trouble between them or her natural clumsiness causes her to fall into the kitchen sink mid-way through the recipe, nearly drowning herself.

It could even be that the suggesting of falling into the sink came from Shakespeare himself, given the tragic incident of a real Katherine Hamnet – a noted chef de garde manger in Shakespeare’s home town of Stratford – apparently involving mixed greens, a young, blond waitress, and Hamnet’s boyfriend, “that dirty sleazebag”. Be that as it may, Ophelia’s dish is the perfect appetizer for any summer pool party. In this version Shakespeare adds a post-modern twist not only by changing person and narrator but even timeline and literary form as well, during the recipe.   

 

The Ingredients of the Dish: 
8 handfuls of sweet lettuce
Enough wild strawberries to stuff a gerbil
Aged balsamic vinegar, enough to cleanse 5 shaving cuts
Pepper & salt, less than a pinch
Too much water
Extra -Virgin olive oil, enough to grease a carriage wheel
Tiny shrimp or tinier quail eggs, if you can’t find the strawberries
A depressed boyfriend
The Chefs of the Recipe:
Ophelia – salad chef at the Globe
Shakespeare – who disappears before plating
serves 3

What a remarkable girl, our fair Ophelia! A few weeks ago she walked into the kitchen with her usual young and spritely gate and glanced at some disparate ingredients lying on the counter. She was chewing some gum a bit nervously though, like a bear feasting on wild fruit in the springtime. I-phone plugs in one ear, as usual. Then she blew a bubble, sucked it back in, and walked up to me.

enter Ophelia

Ophelia: “Mr. Shakespeare, uhm, like, so, what’s with Hamlet?”

Hamlet had been having some family issues so I’d let him take some time off. “Good Ophelia,” I answered, “I fear our princely chef has yet to thaw from the north by northwest wintry chill of his father’s untimely demise. So away I sent him for a time. I heard he went on a cruise or something.”

She stopped chomping on her gum, and looked down.

Ophelia: “Well, yeah, I guess that’s cool. He did weird on me pretty bad yesterday.”

Not actually familiar with what ‘weirded’ meant, I asked her to explain.

Ophelia: “No biggy. Just a little freaky. I, like, came into work and he grabbed me by my arm and just looked at me for, like, 5 minutes or somethin’, you know? Just looked at me.”

“Zounds! Did he…”

Ophelia: “No, no. I think he was too freaked out for his Mr. Weasel to get happy. Not that I would have minded. I dunno’. He’s this great guy, sensitive, funny, intelligent, he reads a lot, he’s cute, and he’s got the hottest bod.”

“So you two are serious?”

Ophelia: “I thought we were. But he’s got, like, this weird relationship with his mom. Anyway. You know, Mr. Shakespeare, looking at the stuff on the counter, I’m getting this idea for an appetizer. Can I show you?”

Kids these days. They seem to bounce from one thing to another as easy on clicking on a hyperlink. I nodded my approval, thinking that cooking would help get her mind off things. She stepped over, and started singing a tune I wasn’t familiar with.

Ophelia: “You’re hot, then you’re cold
You’re yes, then you’re no
You’re in, then you’re out
Hey non-y, non-y-y…”

Then she turned and said something, but not to me. To someone else, it seemed, as if I weren’t in the room anymore.

Ophelia: (to you, the reader) It’s like this: you wash the young, sweet lettuce really well, rinsing out several times and then centrifuge the sal…

She slips and falls forward into the sink. For a few seconds you only see her arms. Then she pulls her head, soaking wet, from the water

Ophelia (dripping): It’s Ok. I’m all right. God I hate it when I do that. (Towels off) OK. Where was I? Oh yeah. Whirled sweet lettuce. That’s for the base. But remember not to wash the wild
Fruit. Only wipe them, the red strawberries.
Otherwise they sog; keep their flavor pure.
There’s a dash of salt for you, and pepper.
There’s a drop of Balsamic vinegar,
Just a few thick tanned drops per serving plate.
Here ‘tis used not to heal, but for taste.
I call the whole dish ‘Strawberry Graced Sunday Salad.’ You know, ‘cause it’s kinda’ special. Oh, and here’s some e.v. olive-oil. You could add some small shrimp if you want. Don’t forgot that you can wash and prepare everything beforehand – but don’t put the oil and vinegar in until you’re ready to plate. Serve with a bubbly rose’ wine, maybe a Prosecco. And that’s all there is to it. Got it? See ya’.

Fiddles with her I-phone and sings as she exits

Ophelia: (You,) You don’t really wanna say, no,
(You,) But you don’t really wanna go-o
Hey non-y non-y, hey non-y non, y-y,
Non-y, non-y, non-y…

Exits dancing. End recipe

The real recipe:
Ingredients per person:
A small handful of wild strawberries*
2-3 handfuls of young lettuce, the sweetest variety you can find
A few drops of aged balsamic vinegar
Extra-Virgin olive oil
Salt and pepper, less than a pinch
1 tablespoon of small shrimp, (optional)
*Hard – boiled quail eggs can be used instead of the fruit
See above. After cleaning the ingredients and sautéing the shrimp in a pan (2 minutes) and flavoring them with a splash of Martini near the end of their cooking, simply mix all the ingredients and serve with a Prosecco or a medium structured white wine.

…or, link to an older Salat of lettuce and spinach from a boke of good cokery: http://www.godecookery.com/goderec/grec49.htm